By Brandon Specktor
Two things we know for sure: 1) Mama always told us “don’t accept gifts that a strange Russian forces through your car window outside a strip club at night, especially if that gift is a live animal,” and 2) If anyone’s gonna break that rule, it’s gonna be Ke$ha.
As K recently tweeted, she is the proud new mama of a kitty “rescued” from a “Russian sketch ball” she met “after hitting a gnarly strip club” two nights ago. As you can see on Instagram, the expat pussycat is pretty adorbs. He is also tragically nameless.
How to go about such an important decision? The pop star posted an impromptu crayon ballot (“Mr. Peep$” and “Dave Grohl” seem to be the front-runners,) but so far nothing’s stuck. We could look to other famous furballs for inspiration. It is a matter of public record that Katy Perry’s cat companion answers to Kitty Purry. So what would the felinification of Ke$ha’s name be? Probably something lame like Kat$ha. So no. We’re better than that. Here’s five more brilliant suggestions:
1. Meow-gic Mike. Like Channing Tatum before him, this nameless clutch of hungry muscle started his career at a strip club. Let’s foster fraternity between nudie bar refugees, and just maybe, with the help of Ke$ha’s powerful influence, no cat will ever have to parade itself in a**less chaps for a tin of kibble again.
2. Dollar Sign (“$” to his colleagues). They say that pets adopt the traits of their owners. If that’s true, this kitty will no doubt develop a quick taste for the finer things, and for abbreviating his identity with a single number pad keystroke.
3. Dr. Glitterbomb. We like this one because it sounds kind of sinister. Like, if Ke$ha weaponized her glitter bombs on a world-threatening scale, this cat would no doubt be her faithful lap pet/Chief of Evil Party Science. Also, if on the off chance this cat should become a YouTube musical sensation (it happens), maybe he can sign on as a guest producer on Ke$ha’s next record. Think about it: “Purrrty All Night (Doc Glitterbomb mix).” Just sounds right, doesn’t it?
4. White Russian. Because he was probably rescued from one, and his fur has that succulent cream-and-kahlua tint. The Dude abides.
So what should it be? Let us know in the comments below!Read also...
- The Stakes After Dark: Capture The Flag
- Gwen Stefani Stopped Her Concert To Bring A Young Bullied Fan Onstage
- Prepare Yourself For A Comedy Series Based On Notorious B.I.G.’s Lyrics
- ‘Get Dat Fetus, Kill Dat Fetus’: BoJack Horseman Tackles Abortion And Celebrity Feminism In Its Own Demented Way
- The Stakes After Dark (SAD!): A Moment Alone In The Shade